Living with an invisible condition

It is hard for anyone living with a disability or illness and I am not writing this to say that my situation is any worse or better than anyone else's.  What I want to talk about so that others know that they are not alone is how hard it is to have an "invisible" illness.  I've talked a little before about the symptoms but I want to discuss just a little how they impact my everyday life and why its hard because they are invisible on the outside. 

I think people tend to have more understanding when you have a visible disability or illness but when it isn't anything that they can see, it isn't that serious.  It reminds me everyday that you never know what is going on with someone.  They may be sick or having a bad day but we shouldn't judge them because they aren't living up to your expectations.

One symptom I deal with on a daily basis is tiredness and fatigue.  Heart.org describes it as, "...a tired feeling all the time and difficulty with everyday activities, such as shopping, climbing stairs, carrying groceries or walking."  As a result, "the heart can't pump enough blood to meet the needs of body tissues. The body diverts blood away from less vital organs, particularly muscles in the limbs, and sends it to the heart and brain." 

I am exhausted after simple things that everyone takes for granted like grocery shopping, after cooking, after playing with Lovebug, and after cleaning for a few minutes.  Looking at me, there is no outward reason for me to be so tired and I sometimes I feel like no one understands.  But then I realize that most of that judging comes from me.  I judge myself for not being able to "keep up".  I am not sure what people outside of my household think and it really isn't important, but I know that at home I am supported.  Honestly, I think that I need to learn how to give myself a break and I know that there are thousands of women out there going through the same thing.  We need to learn that we may not be able to juggle everything and that's okay.

One recent example was a client meeting.  The team that I am on decided to walk to a client's office for a meeting and then back again.  I knew that I should have met them over there and drove my car but I also knew that I could make it so I walked.  Well there is a big difference between could and should.  I tried hard not to fall behind but I did.  I had to catch my breathe and tried to keep it from being too obvious. On the way back to the office, I couldn't keep up but I did my best to put on a happy face and make it back to the office.  Once there, we decided to go to lunch.  This time not as far away but still a nice walk from the office and then back again.  I was pretty miserable the rest of the day and even more, I was angry at myself.

I was angry because I should have done what was best for me and not be concerned with being a part of the team or outward appearances.  If I feel like I should drive someplace, then that's would I should do and not be concerned with what others might think.  I was angry that I never give myself a break and I am so hard on me.

This post was written in 2/2018 and taken down because I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me or to think that I wanted sympathy.  I will work on an update soon.  Thanks for reading.